Lost – Found

Sure, try to keep the anonymity!

This blog was definitely lost but now its found. Why? An Act of Providence!

Welcome to the Blogosphere John B.! John is writing about the Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions and Twelve Concepts.

He has also become a valued contributor at A Dozen Steps. And I am grateful for his input…

 

My Defining Moment

It was Sept., 1989 and the “instrument” God was using (unknown to me) was after me to have some “discussions.”

At the time my father was in the hospital. His alcohol mangled body and mind about to relinquish their fight against dying and I had become emotional although, many years before I swore that I wouldn’t cry when he died.

Fr. Tom McC, Catholic priest, thought I needed to talk.

We had a couple of brief talks and he started to ask me about my drinking. Being the good alcoholic I was, I thought I did a good job of “sugar-coating” the level of my alcohol consumption. Fr. Tom asked me how often and how much I drank. I had replied that I was having a few drinks almost every night well, because, you know, I was under a lot of “stress.” He just sort of shook his head in acknowledgement (so I thought) and didn’t seem to deny me my “excuse.” Now, what I hadn’t told him (lying by omission) was those few drinks I had almost every night were being poured into those giant McDonald’s soda cups.

If you’re anything like me, these conversations led me to the defining moment of my alcoholism. You see, Fr. Tom was asking me about my DRINKING! I’m going to safeguard that “right” under any and all circumstances! AND – I’m going to prove to you that I don’t have a dam* problem with booze! So  I made the decision, THE DECISION, which defined me as an alcoholic.

Do you have any idea what that decision was?

I’ll let you know later…

 

Department Store Santa Claus

Have you heard the one about the lush who got a Christmas job as a department store Santa Claus?

“Well fortified by booze, he was doing okay until he breathed heavily into the face of a child on his knee. Repelled by the alcoholic fumes, the little girl jumped down and cried, “You’re not Santa Claus! You’re my daddy!”

( From the AA Grapevine Once Over Lightly at http://www.aagrapevine.org/da/grabbag.php )

 

 

What Is The Solution?

From The Doctor’s Opinion, written by Dr. William D. Silkworth in the book “Alcoholics Anonymous”

“What is the solution? Perhaps I can best answer this by relating one of my experiences.

About one year prior to this experience a man was brought in to be treated for chronic alcoholism. He had but partially recovered from a gastric hemorrhage and seemed to be a case of pathological mental deterioration. He had lost everything worthwhile in life and was only living, one might say, to drink. He frankly admitted and believed that for him there was no hope. Following the elimination of alcohol, there was found to be no permanent brain injury. He accepted the plan outlined in this book. One year later he called to see me, and I experienced a very strange sensation. I knew the man by name, and partly recognized his features, but there all resemblance ended. From a trembling, despairing, nervous wreck, had emerged a man brimming over with self-reliance and contentment. I talked with him for some time, but was not able to bring myself to feel that I had known him before. To me he was a stranger, and so he left me. A long time has passed with no return to alcohol.”

Contentment? A long time has passed with no return to alcohol? How long has it been since you felt – Happy? And didn’t have to drink to “feel” happy?

You’re dam* right there’s HOPE!

 

At The End Of My Drinking…

At the end of my drinking I was consuming 3/4 of a liter of Wild Turkey 101 (don’t give me that 86 proof cr*p) in three hours or less. I couldn’t get drunk anymore and it was pi**in’ me off!

You might ask – why was it pi**in’ me off? Because I couldn’t make the pain go away anymore. My head would hit the pillow and I was still conscious. My mind just wouldn’t stop racing and the hatred I felt for myself was getting worse and worse. I would toss and turn all night going through all the fears that kept exploding in my thoughts. All the guilty feelings. All the shame. All the resentment towards that “God” that I thought loved me. Why me? Why couldn’t something go right, just for a dam* change?

Why did I have to live like this?

Today, I have the answer. It has been a long, tough road for my thinking to change. A road that, thankfully, I’ve traveled. I never thought it could be this way.

I had to live that way, suffer (self-inflicted), so that I might be blessed and learn that it is through pain that we grow. I had hated pain. Did anything I could to escape from it. Today, not without some fear, I do my best to embrace whatever pain comes down the ‘pike. And I don’t have to, can’t, do it alone. I have help.

“Pain shared in the rooms of AA is cut in half – Joy shared in the rooms of AA is doubled.”

And I don’t have to pick up a drink to get through it. What’s even nicer is I’ve found that God really does love me (and you).

 

What Are The Symptoms?

This is from A Brief Guide To Alcoholics Anonymous

“Not all alcoholics have the same symptoms, but many — at different stages in the illness — show these signs: They find that only alcohol can make them feel self-confident and at ease with other people; often want “just one moreâ€? at the end of a party; look forward to drinking occasions and think about them a lot; get drunk when they had not planned to; try to control their drinking by changing types of liquor, going on the wagon, or taking pledges; sneak drinks; lie about their drinking; hide bottles; drink at work (or in school); drink alone; have blackouts (that is, cannot remember the next day what they said or did the night before); drink in the morning, to relieve severe hangovers, guilty feelings and fears; fail to eat and become malnourished; get cirrhosis of the liver; shake violently, hallucinate, or have convulsions when withdrawn from liquor.”

 

I Am Your Disease…

A new friend brought a copy of this to a meeting early in my sobriety. I don’t know that any of us really know who wrote these words but, to me, they’re distinct and very, very clear!

I AM YOUR DISEASE

I hate meetings. I hate Higher Power. I hate anyone who has a Twelve Step program.
To all who come in contact with me, I wish you death and I wish you suffering.
Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Disease of Alcoholism. Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful.That’s me.

I have killed millions, and I am pleased. I love to catch you with the element of surprise.
I love pretending I am your friend and lover. I have given you comfort, have I not?
Wasn’t I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die, didn’t you call me?
I was there. I love to make you hurt. I love to make you cry.
Better yet, I love when I make you so numb you can neither hurt nor cry. You can’t feel anything at all.
This is true Glory.

I will give you instant gratification and all I ask of you is long term suffering. I’ve always been there for you.
When things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said you didn’t deserve these good things and I was the only one who would agree with you.
Together we were able to destroy all the things good in your life.

People don’t take me seriously.They take strokes seriously, heart attacks, even diabetes they take seriously – fools that they are.
They don’t know that without my help, these things would not be made possible.
I am such a hated disease. And yet, I do not come uninvited.
You choose to have me. So many have chosen me over reality and peace.

More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a 12 step program.
Your program, your meeting, your higher power: All weaken me and I can’t function in the manner I am accustomed to.

Now I must lie here quietly.You don’t see me. But I am growing, bigger than ever.

WHEN YOU ONLY EXIST, I MAY LIVE. WHEN YOU LIVE, I ONLY EXIST.

But I am here. Until we meet again, If we meet again,

“I WISH YOU DEATH AND I WISH YOU SUFFERING!!”

 

I Only Had Two Black-Outs!

Really…

The 1970’s and The 1980’s!

Thank God I never had a Red-Out and a Black-Out at the same time – YET

Keep Comin’ Back…

 

Useless, Pointless, Worthless and Hopeless

It wasn’t until God’s Grace got me sober that I realized how I had felt for so many years.

Useless, Pointless, Worthless and Hopeless pretty much describes it.

Nothing ever went my way. Everyone hated me (so I thought), especially those I loved. Life was a disaster constantly happening. Every move I made, every decision, every effort was wrong. And it was never going to change.

What use was I? What’s the point? There’s no value to my life and – beyond all, there certainly was no hope that anything was ever going to change. It would only get worse.

Having a drink or two didn’t make those feelings go away. Drinking to oblivion did. Looking back today, I can see that the oldtimers were right. Drinking was a temporary solution to a permanent problem. Those feelings always returned and in greater measure! But then I had no idea, no clue how to extract myself from my life other than “considering” drinking myself to death.

Can you relate or identify with these feelings? Do you use the same or similar methods to avoid your pain? Then perhaps you’re just like me, perhaps…

But I’m still here and I haven’t had a drink in over 15 years. My life is completely different today. Instead of being like I was – a walking, talking attitude case, today I am a walking, talking miracle.

AND – it CAN happen for you too! There is always HOPE as long as you’re on “the green side!”

You’re life CAN become useful, have a real purpose, with a value you may not understand right now and more importantly, provide hope beyond your wildest imagination.

Now, and this is not meant to discourage you because I’m sure you’ve lived with enough discouragement, there will be one immediate suggestion.

Get Off Your Ass and Do Something To Change! If you don’t know how to do this – look in your local Yellow Pages for AA or Alcoholics Anonymous, call the number you find and then be willing to listen and follow instructions. You certainly have nothing more to lose, now do you? Unless you’d really like to lose the PAIN you’re living with constantly.

If no one has told you this today – We Love You!

Mark

 

Thank You WordPress!

This is really something to be thankful for! I appreciate it

If anyone has the opportunity to read this before I have the opportunity to begin working at it, be prepared for a discussion of the Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions and The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The Answers Are In The Da** Book – an oldtimer taught me, and then he told me to pass them on, so I’ll try my best and we’ll go from there…

Have a truly wonderful day and thank you Matt and gang!

Mark