At the end of my drinking I was consuming 3/4 of a liter of Wild Turkey 101 (don’t give me that 86 proof cr*p) in three hours or less. I couldn’t get drunk anymore and it was pi**in’ me off!
You might ask – why was it pi**in’ me off? Because I couldn’t make the pain go away anymore. My head would hit the pillow and I was still conscious. My mind just wouldn’t stop racing and the hatred I felt for myself was getting worse and worse. I would toss and turn all night going through all the fears that kept exploding in my thoughts. All the guilty feelings. All the shame. All the resentment towards that “God” that I thought loved me. Why me? Why couldn’t something go right, just for a dam* change?
Why did I have to live like this?
Today, I have the answer. It has been a long, tough road for my thinking to change. A road that, thankfully, I’ve traveled. I never thought it could be this way.
I had to live that way, suffer (self-inflicted), so that I might be blessed and learn that it is through pain that we grow. I had hated pain. Did anything I could to escape from it. Today, not without some fear, I do my best to embrace whatever pain comes down the ‘pike. And I don’t have to, can’t, do it alone. I have help.
“Pain shared in the rooms of AA is cut in half – Joy shared in the rooms of AA is doubled.”
And I don’t have to pick up a drink to get through it. What’s even nicer is I’ve found that God really does love me (and you).
